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by Jim Bernheimer
Horror, 8 pages.
Originally Published in Drabblecast Episode 70, 2008
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“My apologies, Mister...” the woman temporized while she pulled his file from her valise and opened it, “ah, Merrill. I had expected traffic to be much lighter at this hour, but I was quite mistaken. I hope you weren’t kept waiting.” Cheryl slid behind her antique desk and regarded the man in front of her.
“I want my money!” the dark haired man occupying the red leather guest’s chair demanded as he beat his fist atop the fine oak desktop.
“I quite understand sir; however, as a member of the legal team here at Fundamental Insurance, it is my fiduciary responsibility to my clients to represent their best interests.”
The man squeezed his hands hard enough to make the knuckles crack. “My claim is valid! Why aren’t you people paying me?”
Cheryl sighed. This was the part of the job she didn’t like, denying people their claims. “Well Mr. Merrill, as my associate informed your brother, it is the official opinion of Fundamental Insurance that you are not dead per se. You see...”
She was rudely interrupted. “I’ve been turned into a god damn vampire! I’m dead! Look, I have a death certificate and everything! Check my heartbeat! Nothing!”
She nodded sympathetically. “Technically, the term you are describing is ‘The Living Dead’ or ‘The Undead’. You took out a policy with Fundamental Insurance, insuring that, upon your death, your beneficiary, one,” she checked her file, “Darius? You got to be kidding me,” she said under her breath, “Darius Merrill, would receive the sum of five hundred thousand dollars. Fundamental’s position is that since you have not fully experienced your death as of the time of your claim, and indeed since that time, the terms of your policy have not been met, and, therefore, Fundamental Insurance shall not pay out any claim against this policy.”
“No! No! No! The government says I’m dead! They’re already trying to tax my estate. If I don’t’ get the money, they’re going to auction my house off.”
“You could challenge that. I read an interesting article about a terminally ill patient in Mississippi. His wife took him to a voodoo priestess and transformed him into a zombie. Last I heard, there are appeals pending, but it gives you a leg to stand on.”
“This is insane! This is how your company treats me! I’ve never once missed a payment...”
Cheryl’s brow furrowed as she checked her file. “Technically, sir, you missed last month’s payment. You’ll likely be receiving a warning letter in the mail soon.”
Mr. Merrill grew more frustrated. “I was just killed last month! Oh my god! You’ve got to be kidding me! You’re sending me a bill!?!”
Cheryl remained cool. “Sir, legal and billing are two separate divisions here at Fundamental. You always have the option to terminate your policy if you are unhappy with Fundemental’s billing practices.”
“Why in the world would I continue paying for a shitty policy that you have no intention of honoring? Fine, I’ll see your asses in court!”
Drumming her fingers on the oak desk, she did her best to mollify him. “Mr. Merrill, that avenue is certainly open to you. However, you’ll want to think long and hard about it. First, you’ll have a jury of people deciding your fate – fully living people, Mr. Merrill. You’ll likely have to testify in front of them, which means a special evening session and they’re likely not to be very pleased at missing time with their families. After you explain your story to the jury, I will get to ask any relevant question I wish. The jury will know exactly what you are now, and where you get your food.”
She paused for effect before continuing, “Mr. or Mrs. John Q. Public has a tough time coming to grips with people with your condition. I’m sure you’ll have a very compelling story about how your transformation came about. Wait! Hear me out. The jurors will see you sitting there, a bit pale, but overall not too out of sorts. We’ll bring in expert testimony and other vampires. They’ll be informed about your superhuman strength, ability to turn into bat or wolf, and near immortality. After they hear all that, how favorable of a judgment do you think you’re going to get from a bunch of people who couldn’t get out of jury duty?”
He slouched in the leather chair and looked dejected. “So, you’re saying I’m screwed.”
She tried a reassuring tone, “Nothing of the sort! I’m advising you that I will vigorously defend my client’s position. You could win, but this will drag on for a rather long time and the government will move against your estate in the interim. You can forestall that with the ‘not being dead defense’, but that would severely undercut your legal position against my clients.”
The man in front of her looked out the window for a moment, making her wonder if he would capitulate. Finally, he turned back to her. “Cheryl was it? I think we got off on the -- [End of Preview.]